


Expendable

by highlytrainedfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:40:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8315998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlytrainedfangirl/pseuds/highlytrainedfangirl
Summary: “Why would you let Lucifer posses you? We could have found another way, we could have done something, me and Sam could've found a way around it…”The moment the words left Dean's lips, Cas’ head dropped and he refused to meet Dean's eyes.“Because I'm tired of feeling useless.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dean is slightly ooc but only because the writers are a dick to Cas

They hadn't been talking about it. The conversation weighed over everyone's heads as they all tried in futility to ignore it. Eventually Dean broke. He had to ask. Had to know. His voice was soft as he turned to look at the angel sitting beside him,  
“Cas?”  
The other man's head perked up at his name and when their eyes met Dean hesitantly continued.  
“Why would you let Lucifer posses you? We could have found another way, we could have done _something_ , me and Sam could've found a way around it…”  
The moment the words left Dean's lips, Cas’ head dropped and he refused to meet Dean's eyes.  
“Because I'm tired of feeling useless.”  
Heavy silence hung between the two men. Neither wanted to be the one to break it.  
“You're not useless Cas, you're anything but useless.” He watched as the angel contemplated his words.  
“I feel useless, always. No matter what I do, I can never help. I tried to help the angels and I caused the deaths of my brothers and sisters. I try to help you and Sam but all I ever do is force us into worse situations. BeforeI came along you and Same we're doing fine, but now every months there's another disaster happening!” His voice dropped, heartbreakingly soft, “I just thought that maybe this time, I'd do something right.”  
Dean looked to the other man with wide eyes. He wanted to tell him how none of that was true, that none of it was Cas’ fault, how him coming into Dean's life was the best thing that ever happened to him, but the words just wouldn't come. They all scrambled around, jumbled in his head, but his mouth wouldn't let any of them escape. Cas’ shoulders began to shake and Dean's world shattered as he realised the proud and mighty Angel of the Lord in front of him was crying. There was a deep ache rooted in his soul at the sight of the broken man.  
Without thinking Dean wrapped his arms around his friend, clutching him desperately to his chest. “That wasn't your fault,” he mumbled the words over and over, needing Cas to understand. “That wasn't your fault. Maybe you made bad decisions, but we all have. None of what has happened since meeting you has been your fault. You are not useless. You are not. We could never have made it this far without you.”  
Time paused as they clung to the other’s embrace, holding on for too long but terrified to let go.  
“I was told that I'm nothing more than expendable. To you and Sam. That you’d sacrifice me any day to get the other back.” Dean had never heard his voice so thick with emotion before. Reflexively his arms gripped tighter.  
“You're not expendable. Whoever said that was lying Cas, because you mean more to us than you could ever understand. You mean more to me.” Without meaning to he let words tumble out of his mouth, voice still low and soothing, “you mean everything to me.”  
Cas remained silent, so Dean decided to keep going, it was like he’d opened a flood gate and there was no going back, “Cas,” his voice broke, “when I saw Lucifer, when I saw him possessing you, I – I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was terrified, so terrified of losing you, of seeing you get hurt.” God, when was the last time Dean had ever poured oh his emotions like this? “Sam will tell you, the whole time we should have been focusing on Amara and the end of the world, but all I could think about was saving you. That was all that mattered to me.” He pulled back, intending to look Cas in the eye, but he couldn't bring himself to do it as he said, “I need you.”  
When Dean finally pulled himself together, his eyes met crystal blue, flowing with the most beautiful, indescribable emotion he'd ever seen.  
“But I'm nothing,” this time his voice wasn’t weighed down with sadness or self-loathing. It was filled with that confused tone Cas had when he first met Dean. Uncertain, cautious, hopeful.  
“You're everything.” He meant it. God help him, he meant it so much it hurt. How could this perfect, beautiful angel not see how much he was worth?  
Dean knew that no matter what he did, he would make sure that Cas knew that he was valued. Until he knew that he was loved.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a conversation that definitely needs to be had, but I feel like the writers will never address Season 11 actually looked like we might be getting somewhere, especially after all of the little references to cas feeling suicidal in past seasons. It actually looked like they might address or even help Cas' mental state. But nope, like always the writers just brushed it off and forgot about it because it's not like one the main characters being depressed is important or anything. Sorry. I have a lot of emotion about this and I hate the way the writers do stuff like this and then just ignore it.


End file.
